FORT McMURRAY, AB – After pouring a bucket of water over the head of a suspected environmentalist to simulate drowning, Alberta Premier Jason Kenney again demanded his chained captive raise…
Tag: economy
Canada doesn’t care about being left out of NAFTA talks, has cooler, more fun trade negotiation to go to anyway
OTTAWA – Foreign Affairs Minister Chrystia Freeland issued an official statement today that Canada is in no way threatened by the successful bilateral negotiations between the US and Mexico…
Meet the Doug Ford campaign’s hotshot economist: Frank, who is a good guy
ETOBICOKE, ON – With the Conservatives still polling strongly, party insiders say the secret to Ford’s ongoing success is the brilliance of chief economic advisor Frank: a good buddy who’s helped…
Life Hack: This millennial is retiring early by being born in 1954
Millennials have had a rough ride. And while early retirement may seem impossible to the young demographic taking over the workforce, this millennial has figured out a quick and easy shortcut to …
Autocorrect nightmare: Typo in Bill C-45 legalizes cannibalism instead of cannabis
OTTAWA – Canada is one step closer to the accidental legalization of cannibalism after the House of Commons passed a typo-ridden Bill C-45, formerly known as The Cannabis Act. “I think no o…
Watchdog warns hiking minimum wage could lead to 50,000 conversations with your uncle about how the Liberals are ruining the economy
TORONTO – The Financial Accountability Office is warning that Kathleen Wynne’s plan to raise minimum wage to 15 dollars an hour will likely lead to thousands upon thousands of conversations…
Millennials are killing the Millennial-Killing industry
CALGARY – In addition to the cereal, newspaper, and homeownership industries, reports show millennials are now destroying the once-popular pastime of legal for-profit millennial homicide. W…
World’s last two corporations announce merger worth “all the money”
DOVER, DE – Hammering out a deal that experts estimate to be worth the entirety of Earth’s money supply, the world’s last two corporations have announced that they will be merging into a co…
US dollar tells Canadian dollar to stop hitting itself
INTERNATIONAL – Following an early morning noogie and a brutal shoe-lacing before lunch, the USD is spending its recess telling the CAD to stop hitting itself. “Stop hitting yourself,…
Man buys $30 book on how to save money
KELOWNA – After years of overspending and struggling to maintain a budget, local man Miles Kirkpatrick has decided to buckle down and get serious about things by buying Dollars and Sense: K…