OTTAWA – The Supreme Court of Canada has announced it will donate its recently decommissioned crimson fur robes to mall Santas in need.
The iconic red and white robes were officially replaced earlier this year for the Supreme Court’s 150th anniversary, for which each of the justices were apparently gifted their first ever mirror. Now, in the spirit of giving, they’ll be passing the unusually festive robes on to underemployed actors making fifteen dollars an hour to promise children toys, which their parents definitely can’t afford.
“It’s so kind. The Supreme Court has already given Canadians so much,” said mall Santa Bob Newsom, 61, as a kid blew his nose into the gown’s collar. “Such as how they supported gay marriage before it was cool and before it became uncool again. Also how they brought me that spaceship Lego set when I was a kid. That was them, right?”
While most justices were reportedly ready for a change, some appear to miss their former holly jolly flare.
“I’ll miss Pierre Poilievre sitting on my knee every Christmas, asking for a majority government for him and his friends,” says chief justice Richard Wagner. “I don’t think he understands how any of this works.”
Mall Santa Harvey Leibowitz, 54, was thrilled to discover his gown even included a list of “good” and “bad” names. Upon further inspection, he discovered that the “bad” names were actually just Canadians living with disabilities.
Though the gowns are used, the Court maintains they are in no worse condition than any other clothing Canadians may find in a mall this holiday season.
“The robes are still in excellent condition,” insists spokesperson Vanessa Long, who frequently says the same thing about the 7 out of 9 justices over the age of sixty. “Each gown only has a few stains, either from sweat, tears, or Canada’s long history of mistreatment of Indigenous peoples. But we finally appointed an Indigenous justice in 2022, so at least those stains will all come out in the wash, right?”
The Court vowed to make several other meaningful donations in the near future, including offering career advice to young lawyers that is several decades out of date, giving away the first-year lawyer gowns they have finally admitted no longer fit, and passing on their respiratory infections to the nearest immunocompromised family member.
At press time, mall Santas were reportedly receiving an influx of requests to please do something about Alberta.
