VEVEY, SWITZERLAND – Nestlé executives gathered from around the world to announce their grave concern regarding the impact that artificial intelligence’s water consumption will have on their own ability to eradicate the world’s supply of potable water.
“Since time immemorial, the Nestlé corporation has been a steward of the world’s water supply, in that we have purchased most of it,” read a press release from the bottled water conglomerate. “With the increasing needs of AI to access immense amounts of fresh water to cool their data centres, we are worried that our own apocalyptic efforts will be jeopardized.”
“People need water to live,” explained Nestlé spokesperson Sven Jorgenson. “But if AI data farms drain local aquifers before we can, that could create severe drought conditions which could be devastating to our ability to hoard fresh water in the alps for when it becomes liquid gold during the impending machine wars.”
Jorgenson went on to express that while the company was supportive of AI data centres due to the fact that they would quicken the melting of polar ice caps and increase the net supply of bottled water, the spokesman smiled at the thought, though remained at odds on the issue of ownership.
“Our world’s fresh water is a shared corporate resource that all companies need in order to fiscally survive,” said Jorgenson. “One company can’t just come in and take it all for themselves, even though we at Nestlé are working on it.”
In response to concerns over AI water abuse, a grassroots movement started by some more radical Nestlé executives has begun calling for water to be declared public corporate domain, ensuring fair and equal access of water for all publicly traded companies.
Despite the ongoing dispute, Nestlé said they were confident the two companies will find common ground.
“The Nestlé corporation and many of the world’s tech giants are kindred spirits,” explained Jorgenson. “We are extremely aligned on a number of values, for example, both our business models are based on stealing things with questionable permission and outspending any challengers in court. We also share a love for monopolistic practices, plus a passion for creating mass unemployment, so I’m sure we’ll be able to build on that foundation.”
“Who knows, maybe one day a gargantuan data centre cooled by refreshing Nestlé San Pellegrino will create the meme that finally eradicates democracy,” explained a wistful Jorgenson. “Until then, we can only dream.”
At press time, Nestlé announced they had reached a tentative deal sharing access to fresh water with AI data centres provided they would be allowed to bottle and sell the discharge water at No Frills as off-brand Gatorade.
