Cupertino, CA- Apple TV+, the free-spending streaming service run as a ploy to lower its parent company’s tax bill, announced today that it has financed, produced, and set fire to a monument of American entertainment that will never be surpassed.
“This was audacious, even for us,” said Head of Worldwide Programming Zack Van Amburg about the project. “It’s one thing to buy the new Scorsese epic and set it up to run on people’s phones for fifteen bucks a month, but this was a new level.”
The film in question, a fifteen-hour opus with a budget of one billion dollars and a cast including thousands of extras, all living members of The Spice Girls, and a fully licensed Oscar the Grouch, was said to have little plot but be a sublime and majestic experience marked by very expensive special effects and stunt casting.
“We’re proud of the artistic license we provide,” said Mr Van Amburg, perhaps referring to a rumoured scene of the Earth spinning, shot from a custom-built spacecraft and filmed to a score said to comprise every Beatles’ catalogue record played simultaneously.
“Lots of places can fund film, but only Apple TV+ is willing to do so with the recklessness of a kid who found their parents’ credit cards,” continued Mr Van Amburg. “I love working here. Did you know we won an Oscar? For Coda? You didn’t see Coda did you? No one did. We won the first Oscar for Best Picture for a movie that not one person ever saw. Depending on whether we submit this as a single film or a trilogy, we’re about to win one or several more”
The company’s newest and most ambitious product will also not be watched by outside eyes, as the only negative was set aflame in the parking lot of Apple’s headquarters, overseen by their lawyers and accountants and, for some reason, Katy Perry, who was given a stack of uncirculated twenty dollar bills for her time.
“I kinda wish I could see it,” said Ms Perry. “I like Severance and Shrinking. Apple makes some good shows and they always have random famous people in them, like Christopher Walken and Harrison Ford. I hear this new one had Tom Holland and a hologram of Sir Laurence Olivier.”
The company said it may make a sequel to the film should it need another tax write-off in Q3. Meanwhile, a Netflix documentary about the ordeal, Burn Time: Inside the Cupertino Blaze of ‘25, is #1 on the rival streamer’s charts.
