BUDAPEST ― The Central European nation of Hungary celebrated the victory of Péter Magyar today, and specifically, the accompanying incredibly silly scowl it put on JD Vance’s already perpetually-silly and scowling face.
“It’s no as if I was gonna vote for Orbán, the guy who spent the last decade-and-a-half turning our burgeoning liberal democracy into an autocratic state, drove all of our students out of the country, and did his best to drive the LGBTQ population to suicide. Instead, I was probably just gonna stay home and watch Hungary’s Got Talent,” explained Krisztina Katona, a 25-year-old hairdresser.
“But then I heard that the American couch guy had got on a plane and flown here just to support Orbán, and I changed my vote last-minute!” added Katona, as she left her voting station in Szeged. “Did anyone get pictures? C’mon, let’s get this Appalachian weirdo’s tears plastered all over our now-free country!”
Despite living in a world whose citizens can no longer even agree on whether children should be protected from polio or whether bragging about shooting your dog is good publicity, polls indicate that JD Vance remains singularly unpopular across the entire political spectrum. While data indicates that respondents hate Vance for having an Indian wife, for disrespecting his Indian wife, or for his simpering inconsistent personality, the American VP has received an approval rating of -97% across the globe.
“I hadn’t heard of this Vance guy at all,” notes 53-year-old Hungarian marketing executive Lajos Farkas. “I don’t follow American politics much. But then I saw Vance’s face on the news, and I was like, ‘I have to see if that face can possibly be made more sour, squinty, and flatulent’. So now I was really committed to vote for Magyar!”
Farkas added, “And I guess it would also be kind of nice if Hungary had doctors and lawyers twenty years from now.”
Voters in Budapest echoed this sentiment. “I really didn’t like Magyar at all, but I just hated that Vance guy so much more that I couldn’t bring myself to vote for anyone he supported,” commented Viktor Orbán, an unemployed 62-year-old.
At press time, Vice President JD Vance was struggling to travel back to the US after a Hungarian border agent dissolved into fits of uncontrollable laughter while checking his passport photo.
