MONTREAL – With CEO Michael Rousseau stepping down following a widely-derided public statement made only in English, Air Canada has vowed that their next CEO will mercilessly overcharge travellers in both of Canada’s official languages.
In a move intended to put the english language PR disaster behind them, Air Canada is assuring Canadians that the next head of the company will both raises fares and augmentera les tarifs, to the maximum that flyers in all provinces can bear.
“We at Air Canada apologize profusely for Mr. Rousseau’s insensitivity,” explained Air Canada’s head of public relations Guy Le Tremblay, “and we promise to return to our core competencies, like charging weary flyers $17 for a bottle of orange juice, and then making them sit through an even longer spiel en français before we let them drink it.”
The search is on for an Air Canada CEO who will use both English and French to slash legroom, invent new hidden fees, and force customers to cram their most precious belongings into a tiny metal box before they can be considered “a personal item”.
“Air Canada is used to being one of the most hated corporations in this entire country, and we strive to ensure that anglophone and francophone customers feel equally fleeced,” notes Le Tremblay, as he prepares bilingual language for the upcoming announcement of Air Canada’s ‘sitting right-side up surcharge’.
The air oligopoly also promises that their next CEO will not only gouge Canadians in both languages, but employees as well. “Did you know that ‘back to work legislation’ is ‘législation sur le retour au travail‘ in French? Well our flight attendants sure will!”
At press time, Air Canada is preparing a new ad campaign to announce their new CEO, as soon as they can come up with a pithy French translation for “skyway robbery”.
