DUNEDIN, FL – In an effort to address unresolved trauma from the 2025 season, veteran pitcher ‘Mad’ Max Scherzer announced he will re-sign with the Toronto Blue Jays to give himself another shot at winning a world series and, most importantly, a chance to “get even with that asshole who cut [him] off on the DVP last fall.”
“I have some unfinished business here,” Scherzer said, his right eye visibly twitching. “I have yet to win a championship in Toronto… and I still haven’t found the driver of that 2024 Sedan, M Model who thought they could just get away with merging in front of me without even signalling!”
While the 41-year-old starter was reportedly offered more money by several other teams, Scherzer ultimately wanted to come back to Toronto as this would give him a chance to settle the score with whoever thought it would be fine to just cut in front of someone on one of Canada’s busiest highways.
“We’re happy he’s motivated to play for us,” Blue Jays manager John Schneider told reporters. “And while I think it’s insane he wants to try and find that Beamer that cut him off, part of me gets it. People who drive Beamers have been getting away with this kind of shit for too long and if someone needs to teach them how to use their goddamn signals, Max’s your guy.”
Asked if Scherzer’s fixation on settling the score with the guy who cut him off would distract him from throwing out batters, Schneider believed the two-time champion wouldn’t let this beef get in the way of him being an absolute animal on the mound.
“He’s so good at compartmentalizing and focusing on whatever task he’s doing. Whether it’s striking out batters or playing dress-up with his four kids, once Max has his mind set on something there’s nothing that’ll get in his way. So, word to the wise, if you’re the driver who wronged Max, I recommend you come clean ASAP ‘cuz you don’t wanna face his death stare.”
At press time, Blue Jays catcher Alejandro Kirk hoped his new mitt which features an embossed picture of the suspected driver would galvanize Max into throwing harder.
