WASHINGTON D.C. – As the Trump administration consolidates its anti-democratic control over America, Congressional and Senate Democrats have united to ask the nation of Canada if they could handle it instead.
Speaking in front of the United States Capitol, Senate Democratic Leader Chuck Schumer, flanked by House Floor Leader Hakeem Jeffries, and dozens of duly-elected Democratic lawmakers, solemnly implored all 36 million Canadians to fight their battles for them.
“The time has come for action to stop this unlawful and corrupt administration, as they wage an illegal war and attack Americans in the streets,” droned Schumer. “And we Democrats have tried everything we know how: mailed pamphlets, Sunday morning cable news interviews, ignoring the problem, losing.”
“The American people are demanding bold steps to stop President Trump, and to them we Democrats say ‘We don’t feel like it’,” noted Schumer, as his fellow Democrats tepidly applauded behind him. “But there is still hope, because maybe Canada feels like it, which is why we are sending this politely-worded letter to that nice Mark Carney.”
“Surely, all those things he said in Davos about ‘resisting hegemony’ didn’t apply to us Democrat Americans, so hopefully Canada will promptly save us from Donald Trump and his cadre of transnational oligarchs,” Schumer noted, ading that he has personally “made a frowny face” every time the topic of Canadian tariffs have been mentioned.
In the wake of this weekend’s latest record-setting No Kings protest march, where millions of Americans took to the streets in defiance of the Trump Administration, House Democrats are insisting that their only logical next step is to turn to their closest neighbour who is one tenth their size.
“Aggressively fighting back against right wing illiberalism and media consolidation isn’t really our vibe,” explains Sen. Jeffries, as his aides set up to film a Vine about tempering expectations on trans rights. “I myself am more of a classical ‘delegate and disappoint’ democrat, but Canada, they keep saying all that ‘elbows up’ stuff. I bet they can stop Donald Trump for us.”
Meanwhile, President Trump announced on Truth Social that he was sending ground troops into Scotland to turn the entire nation into a Trump Resorts Golf Course. This forced the House Democrats’ to cut short their ‘Can’t Canada Do It’ press conference, in order to plan their next fundraising emails.
Prime Minister Mark Carney could not be reached for comment as he is currently abroad, negotiating with Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum regarding construction of a 3626.45 km underneath the continental United States, linking Canada and Mexico.
