BROWNSVILLE, TX – Tech visionary Elon Musk astounded observers when he set aside more than a decade of unfulfilled vows to colonize the Red Planet in favour of the seemingly more modest goal of failing to colonize the Moon.
“We can iterate much faster to never complete a Moon city, than a Mars city that never gets built.” Musk laid out how, in the same time it would take to abjectly fail to deliver a single marginal community on nearly-airless, radiation-soaked, toxic, low-gravity Mars, Space X could fail to build dozens of habitats on the entirely airless, radiation-soaked, abrasive, micro-meteorite-pocked, even lower gravity Moon.
Rallying his credulous investors, Musk declared, “We choose to go to the moon in this decade, not because it is easy, but because it is easier than Mars and I’m going to give up either way!”
Long-time Musk supporter and four-time divorcee Ross Jenkins acknowledges the logic behind Musk’s abrupt pivot to Lunar development. “I won’t be as excited about each hollow promise to settle the Moon as I am each time Musk baselessly vows to colonize Mars. I certainly won’t be as disheartened each time the colony fails to materialize.”
Jenkins elaborated as he attempted to extricate his Cybertruck from yet another snowbank. “That said, the increased frequency more than compensates for the reduced magnitude of each cycle of exultation and crushing depression. It’s the final frontier of sustainable disappointment.”
While any expect Musk’s lunar colony to be more Muskian braggadocio, computer expert Manuel Garcia O’Kelly-Davis suspects the Lunar plans may succeed despite Musk – namely because buried among Musk’s Lunar proposals are plans for advanced data-centers of the sort now used to spew endless quantities of deepfake and child pornography.
“If there’s one thing Musk has delivered on,” points out O’Kelly-Davis, “it’s a tsunami of deeply offensive, often illegal sexual imagery. The lunar surface is a jurisdictional gray zone and an enforcement nightmare. A ‘Moonbase Epstein’ could let perverts dodge the legal issues for decades.”
O’Kelly-Davis concluded, “It feels like even if Elon never finishes the livable lunar colony, he’ll still fall ass-backwards into building the revenge porn nightmare moonbase.”
Musk has invited journalists to a robot-guided tour of his SpaceX lunar diorama, directing them to arrive in one of the self-driving Teslas that he promised would be widely-available by 2016.
