OTTAWA – Canadian Opposition Leader Pierre Poilievre was reportedly seen lighting emergency flares, in hopes that U.S. President Donald Trump would “liberate” Canada in the same fashion that he has done with Venezuela.
“Please, Mr. Trump! Depose the tyrannical Mark Carney in the way I utterly failed to do,” shouted Poilievre as he held aloft a burning signal flare from the top of his Stornoway residence.
Poilievre, who is often seen sporting a large “DJT #1!” t-shirt until aides remind him to take it off, posted on X: “Congratulations to President Trump on successfully arresting narco-terrorist and socialist dictator Nicolas Maduro, and if he could do the same to Canada next I promise to be a good little collaborator– I mean, Prime Minister.”
Official Campaign Manager for Poilievre, Steve Outhouse, clarified his candidate’s remarks. “Obviously it would be political suicide in Canada for a party leader to cheer on an unpopular U.S. President unilaterally invading a sovereign nation without congressional approval. At least, that’s what I said to Pierre before he hit ‘SEND’ on his tweet. No further questions.”
Poilievre has allegedly suggested several “military targets” for Trump’s Department of War to strike during a Canadian invasion, including CBC Headquarters, Bruce Fanjoy’s house, and whatever yacht Justin Trudeau is currently living his best life on.
Taking a break after having lightly singed his hand on an invasion flare, Poilievre reposted his pro-Trump message in French in an effort to make himself sound more like a Vichy-era puppet.
Asked whether he was publicly supporting Trump’s illegal kidnapping of President Nicolás Maduro due to his wife, Anaida Poilievre, fleeing Venezuela as a child, Poilievre responded, “Who? I mean, sure, I guess that’s part of it, but I mostly just want to be Prime Minister, and I’m fine if that’s PM of the 51st state.”
At press time, President Trump woke up from his third nap of the day to put Poilievre’s repeated text messages on mute.
