NEW WESTMINSTER, B.C. – For the ninth year in a row, celebrations were held at TransLink headquarters after Metro Vancouver won the “Least Worst Public Transit” award from the International Association of Public Transport.
“We take great pride in how just barely adequate public transportation is in the Metro Vancouver area,” said Kevin B. Quinn, CEO of TransLink. “Our major bus lines get stuck in traffic only sixty percent of the time, more than a quarter of SkyTrain stations are near useful amenities, we have more painted bike lanes with no physical barriers than any other metro area, and we’ve delayed the Broadway extension only two times!”
Entrants in this year’s competition included most major North American cities. “Competition this year was spirited, and we weren’t sure we were going to win, but after the Toronto Eglinton LRT entered yet more testing after seven years of construction, Montreal bus drivers went on strike, and student demonstrations broke out over Calgary’s chronic overcrowding we managed to squeeze out a win!” said Quinn.
The metro areas were judged on a number of criteria, including frequency of transit breakdowns, number of recorded fistfights on vehicles, the ease of jumping turnstiles, and number of dark portals to the shadow realm of Yuggoth inexplicably opened during public transit rides.
As part of their celebrations, TransLink executives discussed new ways to revitalize public transit in advance of next year’s awards. “We really think ridership would be improved by adding bar cars to the SkyTrain and West Coast Express, and we’d like to introduce microtransactions on the TransLink mobile app that will allow riders to pay to access priority seating, play Netflix on the upcoming stops screens, and to skip upcoming stops entirely, getting them to their destinations sooner,” explained Quinn.
Speaking on the award, British Columbia Minister of Transportation Mike Farnworth said the provincial government will commit to honouring the achievement by pledging more money to fund and expand public transit throughout the province, provided the budget deficit does not grow too high.
