QUEENS PARK – Premier Doug Ford’s government has proposed legislation to potentially end indefinite rental leases and adjust tenancy agreements, after realizing that there were still people who could afford to live in Ontario.
“Folks, I heard the disturbing news and acted immediately,” Ford said, taking a moment from signing a new bill that would ban all Ontario hospitals from having anesthesia. “I was shocked and appalled to learn that there are people in Ontario who, despite my best efforts, are still able to stay alive – and sometimes even thrive! It’s downright disgusting.”
Ford’s proposed legislation, the ‘Fighting Delays and Building Faster Act’, would allow landlords to evict tenants at will for the grievous sin of not being wealthy.
“I wanted to name it the ‘Eat Shit and Die, Ontarians, Act,’ but this fancy name at least allows me to pretend to be making these decisions for the good of the people who elected me. Folks, I just hate you so much.”
Ontario Attorney General Doug Downey took the mic, after rushing to the press conference straight from demolishing the closest homeless encampment.
“We are so excited to streamline rental processes with this legislation,” he said, attempting to scrub the blood of an unhoused person off of his $2000 suit jacket. “And by ‘streamline rental processes,’ I of course mean ‘allow landlords to kick out any tenant they want if they aren’t handing them their entire paycheque every month.’”
“We were hanging out in Dougie’s cottage remembering how we removed rent control in 2018 and thought, that was good, but not completely financially crippling,” Downey added. “We aim to ensure that not a single non-millionaire Ontarian will be alive by the next provincial election. Which we’ll somehow still win, by the way.”
At press time, Ford was hastily scribbling an addendum to the legislation allowing landlords to make their tenants fight to the death gladiator-style whenever they got bored.
