OTTAWA – After members of the Canadian Parliament earlier today gave a standing ovation to recently deceased far-right agitator who touted white supremacist theories, Charlie Kirk, we here at The Beaverton are stuck trying to figure out if there’s literally anyone our elected officials won’t celebrate.
“After Conservative MP Rachel Thomas called Kirk an ‘advocate for freedom,’ even knowing that he had publicly and proudly stated that he thought the 1964 Civil Rights Act was a mistake, I thought, there’s no possible way anyone could support her words, let alone give them a big ol’ round of applause,” stated one Beaverton writer, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being doxxed by Kirk’s free speech-loving supporters. “But we were hilariously, tragically wrong.”
“So we sat down and tried to come up with a list of names of people our government wouldn’t cheer for or invite to Parliament. Obviously the first name on the list was a literal Nazi.”
The visibly frazzled writer continued, “But then we remembered that Trudeau did in fact invite and applaud for an actual factual card-carrying, World War 2 goose-stepping Nazi, flown all the way in from Ukraine for some reason, back in 2023.”
Another writer jumped in, “We then brainstormed more current ideas, and how there was no way a sitting Canadian government would invite a high-ranking member of Donald Trump’s inner circle to be applauded in person. Especially not someone who was personally responsible for crafting Trump’s authoritarian Project 2025 blueprint… but again, we remembered that Carney sent that precise invite to Kevin Roberts like a week ago.”
“And had the whole meeting not been scuttled and Mr. Creepy Heritage Foundation had come – I’m guessing it would’ve been applause city,” the writer added, before chugging an entire bottle of Pepto Bismol.
The assembled Beaverton writers, all of whom had donned those weird masks that can fool facial recognition cameras, then pointed to a whiteboard completely filled with names of ridiculous people the House of Commons couldn’t possibly applaud because they’re worse than known matter-of-public-record racist bigot Charlie Kirk. Upon closer examination, all of the hyperbolic names had been subsequently crossed out.
“Netanyahu, holding a detonator and a map of Gaza’s hospitals? Naw, Carney would throw him a party and roll a red carpet out onto the floor of the House of Commons. Donald Trump himself? Poilievre would probably just ask for his autograph before trying to start The Wave.”
After several hours of being thoroughly stumped, the Beaverton staff decided to call Mark Carney personally to ask whether the members of Canada’s Parliament had any backbone, scruples, or shame whatsoever, and if he could finally contribute a name to the list.
At press time, the Prime Minister’s Office had responded that the only person they would not extend a round of applause to might be, “I dunno, maybe an Indigenous protestor?”
