EDMONTON – Greg Abbott, a formerly smelly man, has decided to describe himself as savoury after many besmirchings of his scent.
“Smelly is a childish insult that shouldn’t be used to describe a grown man, no matter how musky he seems to those with an untested olfactory palate,” says Abbott. “I’m best described as savoury. Savoury denotes that my fragrance is an acquired flavour – one that is as sophisticated as it is misunderstood.”
Mary Webster, a linguistics professor from the University of Alberta, says that savoury is not typically used to describe body odour, and doesn’t believe it should be. “It sounds to me like Mr. Abbott’s feelings are hurt, but I can’t see why. He should be satisfied that the English language already has words for men like him, such as stinky, malodorous, rotting, and feculent.”
Sushi chef Miho Suzuki says she objects to Abbott also describing himself as umami, the Japanese equivalent to savoury. “Typical White Japanophiles taking OUR words to describe their warui armpits. He probably thinks his sweat could be used for ramen broth. Makes me want to seppuku.”
Abbott isn’t going to let the naysayers deter him. “I am a savoury person, and should be described accordingly. And I’m only getting more and more delicious as the days get hotter. I’ve even stopped wearing antiperspirant, at least until I can find one that adds the right notes of wood smoke and fresh rosemary to my bouquet.”
Despite not knowing about Abbott’s newfound savoury self-label, his neighbour John Lee agrees with Abbott’s description. “I know for a fact that Greg doesn’t cook, so it makes me wonder why our condo hallway always smells like mouthwatering BBQ beef and pork. I’ve been trying to become vegetarian, but the tasty meaty scent that comes from Greg’s place makes me want to go keto.”
Abbott was unavailable at press time as he was busy trying to convince a woman at his gym that pheromones as strong as his must be a powerful aphrodisiac.
