HAMILTON – As more Torontonians relocate to cities that offer more affordable housing, rock legend Sir Paul McCartney announced that his Toronto concert at the Scotiabank Arena is also being relocated to a city with lower rents: Hamilton.
“Who do you think I am? Taylor Swift?” said McCartney, explaining that he can no longer afford to perform in Canada’s largest city. “I can’t afford rent in your city. But I still love you, which is why we’re moving to the city where Torontonians go when housing is too much.”
“No not Ajax. Or Oakville. I’m talking about… THE HAMMER!” McCartney added, before playing air guitar and singing “yeah, yeah, yeah.”
The former Beatle recalled his frustration upon learning just how expensive Toronto’s housing market is. “Look, I know it’s a cool city, but it’s gotten to the point where it’s impossible for anyone to own property. As an 83-year-old self-employed performing artist, it’s impossible to move into the city without going dangerously into debt.”
McCartney mused about the financial impacts, “Like my only chances to get a place in your city would be if someone left me a house in their will. Or maybe if I split the cost with three other roommates, which if I was in my 20s, sure. But I’m too old for that shit.”
With the concert still months away, McCartney assured fans that his show in Hamilton will be just as good, if not better, than anything he would have done in Toronto. “The TD Colosseum holds just as many people, plus renting it won’t cost me more than 30% of my pretax income. It’s just good financial sense.”
In response, the city of Hamilton released a statement emphasizing how excited they were to have Paul McCartney visit “Steel Town.”
“We hope out of town fans will make a day of it,” added Hamilton Mayor Andrea Horwath, “and visit local businesses, green spaces, as well as any houses that are up for sale.”
