MUSKOKA, ON – Talks at the First Ministers meeting, held this year in Ontario cottage country, have broken down as the assembled premiers immediately disagreed over who was next in line to ride on the inflatable hot dog as it was towed around the lake behind a speedboat.
“Folks, shut up and listen,” bellowed Ontario Premier Doug Ford as he hurried down the dock in flip-flops. “We have more important interprovincial trade barriers to discuss. Also, this is my family’s cottage, so I should definitely get to ride first!”
The summit, aimed at coordinating the provinces’ response to US President Trump’s hostile trade war, broke down shortly after 11am, as the assembled leaders complained that “there’s only one inflatable hot dog, and (Saskatchewan Premier) Scott Moe has been hogging it all morning!”
NDP Premier David Eby, of British Columbia, reportedly stepped in with an elaborate plan to schedule out and share the inflatable rides on the boat-drawn inner tube, though it was quickly noted by Northwest Territories Premier R.J. Simpson that Eby had put his own name at the front of the line, “even though ‘Eby’ isn’t even first in alphabetical order!”
The alphabetical order objection was seconded by Nunavut Premier P.J. Akeeagok, who had already changed into his Spider-Man themed swim trunks, and thus refused to discuss Arctic sovereignty strategies with the rest of the Ministers.
Talks reportedly grew quite contentious after Alberta Premier Danielle Smith insisted that Prime Minister Mark Carney purchase an inflatable tube and boat for every Albertan, to which Carney yelled “Back of the line, Danielle!”
Sources report that members from the Assembly of First Nations were informed that they would not be allowed to take rides on the inner tube behind the speedboat, and that they should have considered bringing their own from home.
At press time no resolutions have emerged from the First Ministers Meeting, though Premier Ford keeps interrupting his fellow ministers to remind them of his cottage’s “if it’s yellow, let it mellow” rule.
