SUNRISE, FL – The Florida Panthers have defeated the Edmonton Oilers in the Stanley Cup Final, securing both Florida and Calgary their second consecutive Cup victory over Edmonton.
“I’m happy my team, anyone other than the Oilers, won” said Marco Hildebrandt. “Seeing the Oilers lose for two straight years feels as good as seeing the Flames win…I’d imagine.”
“A lot of television commercials were telling us to put aside our differences and root for a Canadian team,” said another fan. “Would Boston Pizza have told us to ‘put aside our differences’ doing World War II?”
Former Flames Sam Bennett and Matthew Tkachuk were instrumental in Florida’s victory, with Bennett even being awarded the Conn Smythe Trophy for his robust anti-Edmonton services.
“I’m proud to support Calgary without having to actually live there,” Bennett said. “I’d say I’ll be thinking of the city while I’m enjoying the beach in mid-February, but we all know that would be a polite lie.”
The City of Calgary has announced a co-belligerents victory parade, where a photo of Connor McDavid looking sad will be paraded through the streets.
“I get to celebrate the Cup without all the agonising work of actually participating in playoff hockey for two months,” said Flames captain Mikael Backlund. “That’s a win-win in my books.”
As an organisation, the Flames have made it clear that while they have little interest in winning a Stanley Cup themselves, they will be happy to send valuable assets to any team willing to stand against their hated rivals.
“Deep playoff runs encourage binge drinking and poor sleep, which I can’t condone,” said Flames chairman Murray Edwards. “But we’ll help other fanbases shoulder the burden.”
At press time, Flames fans were already looking forward to the possibility of a historic threepeat.
