TORONTO – Local father Ray Teramoto has untucked his t-shirt to expose his hairy belly and rub it while watching television, according to sources familiar with the situation.
“Tucking in his shirt all day is uncomfortable for him,” says his son, Ian. “I think my dad tucks his shirts into his jeans because his mom taught him that, or because he likes the aesthetic of fabric stretching against a round belly. It is kind of nice to look at, especially when he’s wearing white—like a cloud or a marshmallow.”
Dad experts agree that belly-rubbing serves multiple purposes for the fathers who engage in it. Up and down belly rubbing aids digestion by helping food travel through the intestines, while circular belly rubbing is most commonly used as a form of self-soothing, but can also be a show of power or used for hypnosis.
“We’ve noticed that Ray exposes his belly more towards the end of the day,” says his wife, Rosa. “When he watches his morning TV, he sits upright with his shirt down. But during his afternoon TV, he slouches and a slit of his belly peeks out. During his night TV, his body is at a 145 degree angle and his shirt is consciously rolled up to his boobies.”
“Our research has shown that fathers expose their belly buttons because the face on their upper bodies, made up of two nipple eyes and a belly button mouth, is hungry for oxygen and snacks,” said Bob Cobb, Head of Dad Studies at McGill University. “When a dad eats potato chips and you see crumbs falling on his chest, it’s not accidental. The dad is purposefully feeding his belly button crumbs for sustenance.”
At press time, all of the nation’s fathers were heard, in unison, moaning in pleasure as they unbuttoned the top buttons of their pants and sat down to watch the game.
