OTTAWA — As Americans face the horror of U.S. troops being deployed to American cities on the orders of President Donald Trump to break up peaceful protests, the Canadian government under Prime Minister Mark Carney is looking southward and firmly saying “that, but less.”
Under Bill C-2, the “Strong Borders Act,” which was tabled last week, the Carney government hopes to give itself and various Canadian law enforcement entities sweeping new powers to protect Canada from the increasingly tyrannical danger America poses by instituting a kinder, calmer Canadian tyranny.
“Canada is under threat, and that’s why we must now be allowed to read everyone’s mail,” Carney said to thunderous applause from his fellow Liberals in the House of Commons.
“Nothing will protect Canada as much as cops being able to get Canadians’ IP addresses and demand internet providers hand over personal information without a warrant,” Carney continued, to even more applause. “Ensuring those law enforcement agencies can’t be sued for violating the privacy of Canadians will also protect Canadians. Technically, it will only be protecting the very small number of Canadians who capriciously use state powers to spy on other Canadians, but still.”
The new bill also gives the Canadian government the ability to cancel, suspend or change immigration documents immediately in “the public interest,” and Carney has assured the Canadian public that this power will absolutely never be used to punish a powerless minority for the sake of pure bigotry, like the wave of immigration document cancellations currently going on in the United States, because of reasons.
While civil liberties experts have said the new bill is a gift to law enforcement that actually does very little, if anything, to make our borders more secure from the nebulous threats the government claims make these changes necessary, those experts have been called unpatriotic in the face of foreign aggression and can therefore be completely ignored.
The Liberals are confident that by emulating the right-wing, xenophobic tactics of the Trump administration but in a more mellow, Canadian way, they will prove to Trump that he doesn’t need to annex Canada to make it the 51st state, because they’re basically turning Canada into a Trumpian state without him.
At press time, Carney was further protecting Canadians from the threat posed by Trump by agreeing to increase defence spending like Trump has been demanding of all NATO allies and by promising to give Trump money for his Golden Dome missile defence plan, because the best way to deal with aggressors is to give into their demands so they’ll go away forever and never ask you for anything else.
