TORONTO – In the wake of the Leafs discovering a new playoff performance low point even lower than their previous playoff lowpoints, fan Martin Scheffel advised that he takes comfort in the fact that one day the Leafs won’t be able to cause him any more pain, and that will be when he is dead.
“Some day my time will come,” said Scheffel. “And though I will miss my friends and family, as I drift off into oblivion I will have only one thought: I will never have to watch the Toronto Maple Leafs play hockey ever again.”
“And that thought will help me cross the River Styx with a smile on my face.”
Scheffel, who was doomed to be a Leafs fan by fate, geography, and his father buying him a Carleton The Bear teddy when he was a baby, has spent all of his 35 years on the living plane suffering at the hands of his favourite team.
But, despite knowing he will be unable to stop cheering for the team as long as he lives, he has begun taking comfort in the fact that, on the other side, he will be free in the eternal void of nothingness to never hear the words Mitch Marner, Leafs powerplay struggles or ‘can the Core Four finally step up in big games’ ever again.
“I don’t know what happens after we die. I just know that any God or Gods would never be so cruel as to make it possible to watch Leafs games from the afterlife.”
At press time the Universe was planning on reincarnating Scheffel as a Sabres fan.
