Our rankings of this year’s Best and Worst Grandmas - The Beaverton

Our rankings of this year’s Best and Worst Grandmas

With the year almost at an end, join as we rate the best and worst grams, grammys, gam-gams, and gamilgans on display over the past 12 months: 

1)     BEST – Gramma Bess
What an absolute champion , folks. Whether pinching cheeks, cutting cheques, or baking cookies, this octogenarian puts the rest of her generation to disgusting shame. Famous for her patented bare-handed canasta slam technique, Bess shows that you really can rock a catheter and still have it all.

2)     WORST – Granny de Silva
What else can we say about someone who so much ink has already been spilled over in the tabloids and gossip mags. Racist, unhygienic, and with a moral compass pointing in all the wrong directions, Granny de Silva hates you and your siblings and makes sure you all know it. Rumours suggest that she’ll be keeping up her campaign of shaming you for your life choices well into next year. Truly trash.

3)     BEST – Bubbie Helen
A dark horse candidate who swiftly jumped over her Goyish competitors, stalwart Jewish grandma Helen came out of nowhere this year but immediately wowed everyone. We all remember her audible gasps of pride at your cousin Rachel’s Kindergarten Hannukah play but did you know she made it across town for her cousin’s nephew’s husband’s birthday party that same night? And she remembered everyone’s names and what they’re allergic to! That’s how you grandma, ladies and gentlemen.

4)     WORST – “That Woman”
You know who we’re talking about. Dad says we’re not supposed to say her actual name because of how she was when he was growing up but we all know he still talks to her once in a while. Sometimes glimpsed at a distance at funerals and christenings, ‘That Woman’ inspires pity in some and outright hatred in others. Still, with fewer than eight recorded sightings and a WaterObics record average at best, this unnamed figure lands squarely in the ‘Do Not Love’ bin.

5)     BEST – TaTa Loo
Appearing for the sixth consecutive year, TaTa Loo (real name Luiza Alvares) strikes again. Hosting a whopping 298 straight family Sunday brunches, TaTa Loo recently swept both the Favourite Aunt and Best Sibling championships this year, crossing age and gender lines with ease. Don’t let her wobbly left eye fool you, this grand dame of yesteryear knows what’s best for you and has no shame in giving it to you in spades – plus a cookie on the side, maybe?

6)     WORST – Pauline Fitzgerald
This woman can go straight to hell.

7)      BEST – Big Mamma Jumbuck
An absolute unit of a Gammo, Big Mamma Jumbuck weighs in at 390 pounds of pure maternal loving. Matriarch of a 59 person strong brood, BMJ calls aaaaaaaall the shots and still finds time to win her County’s annual pig shearing competition every year. When the rest of us are dead and gone, you can bet that Big Mamma will still be around, knitting sweaters to keep our tombstones from catching cold.

8)     WORST – “Grandma Nancy”
Last year’s top choice lands all the way on the bottom this year after our staff revealed that she was actually a scarecrow carefully dressed up to look like a real-life grandmama. While we still can’t ignore the feelings of loving warmth we feel when curled up in that sweet scarecrow’s loving embrace, the sheer audacity of the effort puts her on our naughty list.

9)     BEST – Granny Poppy
This is it, people. Our top Granny of the year is Granny Poppy. You want tight, grey curls with the tensile strength of a Wallenda tightrope? She’s got it! You want floral blouses with petals for dayssss? It’s here! You want a woman who can saliva-wipe that smudge off your face with one hand and sneak your sister Werther’s Originals with the other? She’s that woman! There is no competition for this beast of a Gumpus. A hero to Gramools everywhere. Truly the Grembo to end all Grembos.