OTTAWA – In the midst of Canada-wide protests from anti-LGBTQ+ hate groups, protestors warn that teaching inclusive curriculums will increase the volume of online reaction gifs featuring sitcom star and gay icon Dan Levy.
“Already, I can barely open my Facebook page without being bombarded by two eyebrows in a trendy cashmere sweater”, cried Molly Blaise, one of the concerned parents and John Doyle enthusiasts encircling Canterbury High this week.
“But, now that teachers are allowed to fill our childrens’ minds with garbage like sexual orientation and gender identity, what’s to stop our kids from turning around and expressing those ideals in the form of a well-timed ‘ew’?”.
“Simply, Dan Levy gifs are not something that I tolerate in my home”, summed up Blaise. “And it’s not the place of the schools to enable his quirky yet relatable brand of humour with our kids”.
Another protestor, Tanner Mann, worries that his teen may have already fallen victim to Canada’s favourite mountain of hair gel. “Listen, I’m an open-minded guy. I had no problem supporting inclusive curriculums until I saw a grandma-chic turtleneck flash across my daughter’s tablet”, warned Mann. “Next thing I knew, she was scoffing at dirt, talking with her hands, and ordering me to ‘fold in the cheese’. These lunatic teachers have gotta be stopped!”.
Florence Chen, a representative from the nearby counter-protest, warned these parents that their protests will only harm kids in the long run. “If we try to stop children from posting Dan Levy gifs, they’ll just do it alone and in shame.”
“Confusion, depression, and self-harm are inevitable if we fail to understand that vomiting light-hearted angst on social media is a natural part of any teenager’s identity”.
The provincial government backed the counter-protest, reminding Canadians that there is no tolerance for people who use the guise of parental consent to express their hatred of Dan Levy’s ability to permeate any online dialog.
“Ignoring Dan Levy won’t end the existence of Dan Levy”, said a representative from the province. “If that worked, I would have initiated a province-wide ban after our teenager honoured my late uncle with that one gif of David Rose saying ‘ciao’.”
Still, anti-LGBTQ+ hate groups argue that supporting Dan Levy gifs is a slippery slope. “Soon, our kids are gonna discover that we’re just not as loveable as Paul Sun-Hyung Lee, and there’s no coming back from that.”
