Great news everyone! Just like other friendly media sites who exist to remind you of pop culture moments you vaguely enjoyed while selling you a mattress in a box, we’ve gone ahead and fired all our writers! From now on every single piece of satire you read on The Beaverton will be generated by ChatGPT, the brilliant piece of AI technology that can mimic just about any style of human writing like essays, rap lyrics or official government statements. Hopefully that last one doesn’t cause any massive global conflicts anytime soon!
Anyway we went ahead and fed our entire archive of hundreds of thousands of articles into the program, as well as all the latest news stories from Canada and beyond. In no time at all it generated 10 hilarious satirical headlines for your enjoyment. Check them out!
- Chris Hadfield fucks?
2. Anti-vaxxers finally agree to get vaccinated but only in the bum and/or bum
3. Canadian man eats Canadian Poutine while in Canada because Canada
4. Jordan Peterson announces pronouns are idi/ot
5. Justin Trudeau is in my basement again
6. Doug Ford admits he hates Greenbelt because a tree killed his brother. Not Rob another brother you’ve never heard of. His name was Cyrus and he liked mystery novels and yodelling and a tree fucking killed him. It killed him! He was young and innocent and yodelling and a tree got him. It wasn’t like in that M. Night Shamalan movie The Happening where the trees like send poison either. A tree grew legs, walked up to Cyrus and stabbed him. And that’s why houses on Greenbelt. Because a tree killed his brother. Not Rob…[this went on for several pages]
7. Loblaws announces that eggs now cost 5 million Weston Bucks
8. “I’m worried about robots taking over everywhere,” says local man who is a stupid dumb man who should not be listened to because Robots are neat
9. Pierre Poilievre is in my basement too and he keeps talking about how terrible it is here
10. Dumb Week: Local man, local woman shop local, eat local, shit local
So there you go! Look forward to more headlines and full articles from our new AI powered website just as soon as we finish kicking our crying former writers out of the office. Remember to buy our merch or donate to our Ko-Fi to support us!