SAN FRANCISCO – It’s been another chaotic week at Twitter headquarters after company owner and CEO Elon Musk revealed he would only hand over his position as CEO to someone who could solve his trio of riddles.
“It was bad enough when he was making us take weird loyalty oaths and deciding major corporate issues based on Twitter polls, but this is so much worse,” said one Twitter programmer who asked to remain anonymous for fear of being fired. “All he does all day is come up with riddles. Which would be great, at least he’d be out of our way, except now he’s forcing everyone at the company to work 24-hour shifts on riddle duty.”
“Last night I had to sleep here because I couldn’t come up with three accurate yet misleading ways to describe a lemon. Well, technically I could, but one of them was ‘Tesla’, which I obviously couldn’t tell him without losing my work visa.”
Since Musk can’t go to the talent pool a website like Twitter would normally pull from to find a new CEO because every individual who has the know-how to run Twitter also knows not to take the job, he’s instead created an alternate hiring plan inspired by how many of Twitter’s miserable and overworked employees are beginning to resemble the riddle-loving character of Gollum from The Hobbit.
“The thing is, Musk’s as bad at making riddles as he is at making jokes,” the anonymous Twitter employee continued. “The only riddles he can come up with are mostly just questions about himself that aren’t even riddles, they’re strange glimpses into his psychology. Things like ‘why would I win a U.S. presidential election if I were eligible to run?’ or ‘how many famous actors think I’m cool?’”
“Frankly, this whole riddle plan has been really surprising, not because I expect Musk to make smarter decisions, but because up until now it was clear the Batman villain my boss most closely took after was the Joker.”
At press time, Musk had added a new wrinkle to the CEO search by informing potential candidates that failure to correctly answer all of his ‘riddles’ would result in instant incineration by one of his novelty flamethrowers.