Poltergeist struggling to leave threatening message on toothpaste caked mirror - The Beaverton

Poltergeist struggling to leave threatening message on toothpaste caked mirror

EDMONTON — The ghostly entity inhabiting the creepy old house at the end of Palmer Road is completely fed by the new occupants’ lack of cleanliness. 

The current residents of Ashcroft Manor include 19-year-old Rhett Garcia and Kent Chang, two U of A freshmen excited at finally moving out, and the of Lord Balthazar Ashcroft, forever shackled there after being brutally murdered by a vengeful lover in the 1800s.

His latest effort at ousting his living housemates, by scrawling “DIEEEE” in the fogged master mirror, was summarily thwarted by months of hardened dried-up toothpaste splatter.

According to Ashcroft, even after months of haunting his two housemates still barely acknowledge his presence— A failure which he blames on his slovenly unliving conditions.

“I can’t be expected to haunt like this!”, shrieked the transparent visage of Lord Ashcroft. “I can’t even find a door to slam because none are still on their hinges. They just lean them against the frame if they want any ‘privacy.’”

 “I even tried going corporeal out of desperation and accidentally stepped on a bowl of eggs that was just left on the ground.” he further recounts. ”My God! Who lives like this?!”

So far Freeman and Chang have mistaken ectoplasm dripping from the walls as busted pipes, mysterious screeching in the night as a raccoon under the porch and attributed the constant bone-chilling cold that permeates the house as neither of them knowing how to pay a heating bill. 

“Yeah this place is so sick,” said Garcia. “But sometimes I get weird vibes, like this ‘chore-wheel’ just appeared on the fridge one day and Kent swore that he didn’t put it up. But he’s probably just fucking with me…yeah that must be it.”

At press time, a vacuum cleaner had mysteriously turned on and was being pulled across the front hallway carpet as if by some invisible force.