MOSCOW – It is with great sadness that we announce Mikhail Gorbachev, who we all honestly thought was already dead, is dead at 91.
The former premier of the USSR, Gorbachev was most famously known for also being the last premier of the USSR, ushering in political and economic reforms which ultimately led to the dissolution of the Soviet Union and the end of the Cold War, which is right around when we could’ve swore he died, or maybe in the early 2010’s?
Born the son of a poor peasant family of Russian and Ukrainian heritage, we frequently remarked that Gorbachev would be rolling in his grave if he saw what Putin was doing in Ukraine and the corrupt oligarchy that Russia had become, but now we’re realizing that apparently he was alive this entire time to witness all of it.
One of the most important political figures of the 20th century, Gorbachev, or “Gorby” as some Americans affectionately referred to him, was remembered fondly in the west, making appearances in pop culture, perhaps most memorably in a 1998 commercial for Pizza Hut, which we honestly thought he died a few years after filming. Maybe some time a little after Y2K?
Gorbachev spent the last years of his life in Stavropol near his hometown of Privolnoye, passing away after a long and unspecified illness, the very writing of which fills us with an overwhelming sense of deja vu, because we’re pretty sure this already happened. Is this one of those Bearenstein Bears / Bearenstain Bears things?
It’s also possible we just went to an Ontario public school and aren’t very attuned to the world around us.
At press time we’re like 70% sure Jean Chretien is still kicking around.