VANCOUVER – Despite early indications some Canadian housing markets may be cooling, benchmark home prices remain well within the threshold experts call “oh fuck me”.
Whether prices will decline enough to hit the more affordable “still utterly absurd” level remains to be seen, but fears have eased that continued price growth will propel the market into the red zone experts deem “may as well move to Mars”.
Asked about current market conditions, housing expert Anna Conda said, “Despite some crowing about price drops of roughly 1% in some markets, which is basically pocket change at these prices, it’s clear home prices remains in vigorous ‘oh fuck me’ territory. So my advice to those shopping for homes would be: stay patient, continue to do due diligence even in the face of competitive conditions, and accept the fact that you are likely fuckity fucked fucked.”
When questioned when or if home prices in major cities might become affordable to non-millionaires, Ms. Conda responded, “Listen, no one has a crystal ball, but if I had to speculate, I would say that…” before bursting into tears.
After collecting herself, Ms. Conda apologised, explaining, “The constant questions about home buying are getting overwhelming. Sure, I’m a housing expert, but I’m at the mercy of the market too. I live in a 290 square foot condo an hour outside the city and I’m still stretched so thin I have to hunt down free WIFI to do these interviews.”
Ms. Conda is hoping the market cools enough that she can fulfil her dream of moving to an expansive 500 square foot condo. In the meantime, like many Canadians, she is coping by peppering her comments about the housing market with a bunch of fucking expletives.