“If you thought the worst part of 80s nostalgia was leg warmers and big hair,” climate scientist Qing-Bin Lu from the University of Waterloo said, “wait until you learn that the one thing we thought we fixed back then has remained broken the whole time!”
According to Dr. Lu’s study, an ozone hole seven times larger than the Antarctic ozone hole is currently sitting over Earth’s tropical regions and has been since the heyday of Duran Duran. The concern is that this makes billions of people vulnerable to increased skin cancer, cataracts, and tans dark enough to make neon lipstick really pop.
“It’s time people stopped listening to their Sony Walkmans and paid attention to this danger to our planet,” declared Sting. “To raise awareness of the ozone hole I’m here to announce a huge benefit concert featuring myself, U2, and either Hall or Oates.”
“We were going to broadcast the concert on MTV, but I have been informed that MTV quit showing music 20 years ago, so it will be on something called Facebook Watch instead.”
“We asked the world’s governments to play their part in fixing the hole with an international treaty,” Sting continued, “but apparently 80s nostalgia doesn’t go that far.”
In addition to the undetected hole in the ozone layer, scientists are looking into other seemingly solved 80s perils that may still pose a significant threat, including secondhand smoke on airplanes, leaded gasoline, and Principle Rooney.