REGINA – After dictating his will to his lawyer, sources report that Edward Irwin asked if they could also do a “fun one.”
“For this one, let’s start by leaving half my money to my cat, Jean Cattien,” Irwin said. “Unless Jean predeceases me, in which case I guess Stephen Harpurr can have it.”
Irwin then left the rest of his money to a variety of fringe organisations, including the Centre for Hammock Studies, the Whisky Drinkin’ Institute, and the Canadian Chiropractic Association.
“Now, I know that each of my children are hoping the house goes to them, so let’s give it to a random nephew instead,” Irwin said. “Guess you’re going to have to keep renting, Darryl.”
Irwin decreed that his BMW should go to his old high school girlfriend, his antiques to his longtime yoga instructor, and his boat to a woman he had a fling with on Ibiza back in 1981. “That should get the kids wondering if they have any secret bastard siblings,” Irwin said. “Maybe next time I tell you I’m getting a colonoscopy don’t respond with ‘So, what’s the house worth these days?’”
Irwin then said that several other high value items, including his summer cottage, his extensive stock portfolio, and a large Ziploc bag of miscellaneous jewels and amulets should be bequeathed to “the first mortal to best my sick Mario Kart times.”
“Finally, I’d like my remains to be cremated and blasted out of a cannon while ‘Sweet Caroline’ plays,” Irwin said. “And any human who doesn’t sing along gets nothing.”
At press time, Irwin had decided he liked the silly will better.