OTTAWA – As a convoy of truckers heads toward Ottawa to protest vaccine mandates in their industry, with some of them calling for the dissolution of the government itself, Conservative Leader Erin O’Toole has expressed he plans to meet with them in order to get tips and tricks on how to frighten Justin Trudeau.
“People keep asking me, Erin, do you support the truckers? Erin, how do you feel about their ties to white supremacy? Erin, why doesn’t anybody like you?” O’Toole recounted from his office, staring wistfully at a clearly self-drawn picture of him as Prime Minister. “But it wasn’t until I saw how much attention Justin was giving to these truckers that I cared enough to ask them how to really get under his skin.”
“I mean, just look at Trudeau now: hiding as they come rolling into the city!” he added, his face brightening. “Oh, he says it’s because he’s isolating due to a Covid-19 exposure, but I know it’s because he’s terrified they’re going to make him step down and install me as their glorious leader. But how? Is it their rugged jeans? Their scary beards?! Their threats of a violent Canadian insurrection??!”
O’Toole paused to put on a trucker’s hat and pick up a handmade sign that read, “Truckers = Heroes Who Help Me Scare Justin”.
“I’ve tried everything to intimidate him: sexy magazine photoshoots, claiming I was ready to take him on when I wasn’t, even standing around with my arms crossed a bunch to indicate how tough I am,” he explained. “At this point, I’ll say whatever these truckers want me to say if they help me put the fear of God in him.”
“Vaccine mandates? Bad! Abolishing the government? Good! Blocking off vital city roads and services with zero military interference when peaceful Indigenous protests have continually been met with violence? The best! Just tell me how to win the next election!”
At press time, O’Toole had just bought and crashed an 18-wheeler after attempting to drive menacingly past 24 Sussex Drive.