FREDERICTON – Recent reports have now confirmed that Tony Freedman, a local man who took an initial bite of incredibly hot pizza moments ago, plans to just keep that bite in his mouth until it’s all over.
“I saw what happened the minute Tony took that first bite. His eyes widened, his nostrils flared, and he immediately started inhaling large gusts of air into his mouth,” said Kim Redding, Tony’s girlfriend, between tears, “He tried to hide it but it was clear that the searing pizza had fused to the roof of his mouth.”
Experts estimate that the molten lava cheese covering the still steaming tomato sauce likely coalesced directly with the flesh of Freedman’s upper palate within 1.3 seconds of him taking a larger than advisable first bite. They suggest that the incident was the result of a confluence of factors, each cascading into a symphony of misfortune and the inevitable fourth degree burns on over 86% of the inside of Freedman’s mouth. Specifically, authorities point to Freedman’s failure to test the temperature before inserting the slice of hot fire into his mouth, his burn-prone mastication patterns, and a generally false sense of invincibility shared by most men.
“I pleaded to him to do something! Spit it out, drink some water, anything! But he wouldn’t listen,” stated Redding, “He just kept chewing and chewing like he had something to prove. All the while I could literally smell his tongue cooking in its own juices.”
“And when the blood vessels started bursting in his eyes, I knew he had passed the point of no return. He was locked into the slow boat to burnsville,” she continued.
Under no circumstances should anyone simply let the slow blistering of their mouth skin continue unabated. Doctors advise, in the event one does find themselves in a similar position to Freedman, taking immediate steps to lower the internal temperature of your head, such as fanning your open maw with both hands while shouting “hot hot hot hot hot hot”. Indeed, pizza burns have been classified as a Type-R Pain Event, along with stubbing your un-socked pinky toe on a sofa leg, chafing on both inner thighs simultaneously, and something called “airplane neck”.
“Hassasunfuh fuh famahana sussussun fussah hah hamamamam hunafasha ussensufussen,” reported Freedman as he sought to juggle the still bubbling bolus of cheese and dough within the cave of scar tissue formerly known as his mouth.
At press time, doctors report that Freedman will likely recover within oh God no he just took another bite!