LOS ANGELES, CA – The newest saga of the Britney Spears conservatorship story presents a very difficult, complex question: Do women deserve rights? For years now, Spears’ legal conservator and father, Jamie Spears, and his legal team have argued successfully that women like Britney do not.
Is this really the case though? I decided to leave no stone unturned for my answer, gathering a wide pool of opinions ranging from male doctors paid for by the money Jamie Spears takes from Britney all the way to male psychologists paid for by the money Jamie Spears takes from Britney.
“The thing about women is, they are cuckoo-bonanza-psycho,” stated Dr. James Musohgeny, a veteran chiropractor and Britney Spears’ personal doctor for the past 10 years. “They’ll do things that make no sense! For example, they’ll be legally stalked by hundreds of men before they turn 20 and then all of the sudden they’ll start being afraid of the outdoors. Women, am I right?”
So far, it seems the odds in this debate are stacked against women. But will the next specialist I ask, who was also very conveniently organized to meet with me next by Jamie Spears, also have the same opinion?
“I think a lot of people are angry because they don’t know the facts,” explains Roger Menderall, one of the attorneys paid for with Britney’s money who also took her rights away. “First of all, an unmarried woman couldn’t get a credit card until 1975, so what is happening to Britney is progress! All we want is to own Britney so we can work her to death while she makes money that we can use to buy ourselves nice things. I think once you wrap your head around that, you’ll see our set up is objective, fair, and all with Britney’s best interests in mind.”
So far I have been dazzled by objectivity and wisdom from these expensive, male, California-based health and legal experts. But to make sure I am covering all my boxes, I have organized a meeting with someone who has a closer relationship with Britney, Jamie Spears himself.
“WOMEN SHOULD HAVE RIGHTS,” spat Spears into my face. He then proceeded to hand me $5,000 in cash, before quietly stating, “Women should not have rights.”
So there you have it! After speaking to these three men and no one else, it is clear that women are meant to be owned and worked hard despite their own disabilities so that men may use that money to buy RVs and NERF guns.