EDMONTON – Premier Jason Kenney is changing the public school curriculum in Alberta to better reflect the UCP’s position that lumbering prehistoric creatures should not be the focus of elementary school education, they should be in charge of writing it.
“We are excited to introduce Alberta’s new curriculum, which will do away with unnecessary subjects that get students excited about learning like dinosaurs, while focusing on important skills students will need in the future, like memorizing dates. All while encouraging students to develop critical thinking skills by only trusting credible sources, such as Jesus, and me,” Kenney said while explaining the new curriculum.
“Also, the Jurassic Park films will be edited into special editions for Alberta schools, where we’ll be replacing the dinosaurs with members of the UCP. Kids need to see cautionary tales about how naughty children who don’t respect the oil industry will be eaten by MLAs.”
Teachers are concerned that the new curriculum will frighten children. “We don’t want to terrify the kids with horrifying stories of our government,” says Jenn Lithgow, fifth grade teacher. “Imagine learning about Jason Kenney as a 10-year-old. They’ll get nightmares!”
Educational tourist locations are also following suit, with the famed Royal Tyrrell Museum announcing their decision to begin displaying the bones of conservative politicians instead of the fossilized remains of Jurassic creatures that apparently never existed. The ‘Dinosaur’ in Dinosaur Provincial Park will now refer to famed provincial dinosaur Ralph Klein.
In addition to dinosaurs, Alberta’s new curriculum will also be cutting other subjects and topics Kenney has deemed useless or distracting to children, including Math, Science and rainbows.