QUEEN’S PARK – As the Province introduces new restrictions on social contact in response to COVID-19, Premier Doug Ford has assured families they can absolutely still spend Thanksgiving together by taking on service jobs at the tens of thousands of enclosed, public spaces full of unmasked people that will remain open.
“As we are now encouraging Ontarians to avoid socializing with those outside of their households, we know that many are worried that they won’t be able to enjoy much-needed time with their loved ones,” Ford said in a statement. “But I am here to reassure you that you will always be able to see the close friends and extended family you’d previously bubbled with as long as you can get your shift schedules to line up.”
“And if that assistant manager Gene gives you any problems with that, tell him to come see me,” added Ford.
Seeking to reduce transmission of the virus while heeding the important concerns of business leaders who really like bars, Ford encourages Ontarians to transfer their social bubbles from private homes to the safer environment of indoor restaurants.
The Province has released a handy guide for recreating cherished family traditions while on the clock in an enclosed, poorly ventilated space. For example, instead of helping your mother make her famous lasagna in her kitchen, why not do it in the kitchen of your favourite East Side Mario’s, safely distanced by a few feet from strangers who are maskless, chewing, talking and drunk?
“Sadly, it is no longer safe for you to cuddle that baby nephew, whose family you have been carefully bubbling with for months, in your living room. But why not enjoy some after-shift shots with him at Jack Astors? Get the cool aunt thing started early!”
While responses to the new guidelines have been mixed, many Ontarians are finding ways to follow them while still seeing their families.
“At first I thought it was really weird that I only get to see my grandparents when we end up working the same section,” software engineer Greg Borbo of Mississauga told reporters. “Then again, I guess it’s better than not seeing them at all until we have a vaccine, so… hey could be worse.”
At press time, Ford suggested that friends and family who cannot find work in restaurants can always try their luck at enrolling together in the same elementary school.
