Any form of learning will be phased out by 2022 and replaced with religious doctrine, words from corporate sponsors, and dodge – a variation of dodgeball, but without balls due to lack of funding.
History teachers will no longer instruct pupils to learn from past mistakes such as genocide, and instead prioritize an Alberta First history that emphasizes proud white-washed accomplishments such as rodeos and climate change.
“We are seeking to modernize Alberta’s curriculum by including ancient scripture from 2,000 years ago,” said Education Minister Adriana LaGrange. “These holy verses aren’t religious; just poetry that instructs children to stone heretics.”
No factual information will be provided to students as facts are too sad for children, explained the minister.
LaGrange also announced that all schools across the province will be heated by burning science textbooks.