BERLIN ─ After 85 years of searching, a team of archaeologists have finally uncovered what they believe to be the single ballot that killed Adolf Hitler.
“This is simply astonishing work,” lead project manager Heinrich Lindemann announced. “For decades, we have known that Hitler was killed by a barrage of votes, but now we have the last piece of the puzzle in the defeat of German fascism.”
In the twilight of World War II, the Allies converged on Nazi Germany, beating back the German army with each successive campaign. Until on April 30th, 1945, when Adolf Hitler was killed by a paper ballot to the head.
Historians attributed the vote to one Hermann Ziegler, whose diary has now been made public. It details the long, bloodless, and milquetoast scuffle with an authoritarian, militaristic and genocidal regime, proving definitively that fascists abide by the electoral system.
Excerpts from the diary were released to the public. A notable passage included, “We must take down the system which runs death camps, disappears protestors, and scapegoats the vulnerable… but violence is never the answer, so just vote.”
Family of the late Ziegler described him as a man of conviction, but not too much. “I remember grand-dad’s stories when I was a child,” remarked granddaughter Sofia Ziegler. “He told horrible stories about the rise of the Nazis, and equally horrible stories about the people who tried to resist them by putting up too much of a fight.”
“I’ll never forget the tears that fell from his face when he lamented the protestors weren’t allowing themselves to be arrested by the Gestapo peacefully.”
The ballot has been archived in the Deutsches Historisches Museum, alongside the campaign flyer that hanged Mussolini.