OTTAWA – As yet another Liberal, this time Finance Minister Bill Morneau, has been shown to have links to the WE Charity which was briefly awarded control of a $900 million student summer grant program, the Liberal government is now performing a deep search of their ranks to find someone – anyone – literally anyone – who does not have a connection to this organization.
“High level politicians tend to be cozy with the upper echelons of the business and charity sectors,” said Nadia Tempe, the head of the Political Sciences faculty at McGill University. “In the case of WE, the Liberals have been very cozy with this charity. In the political sciences we refer to this particular level of coziness as the “cousins slow dancing” level, in that it’s uncomfortable to watch, might be relatively harmless, but could also could be an indication of something far more disturbing going on behind closed doors.”
The Liberals were briefly pinning their hopes on a back-bencher from PEI who spent most of his life in an isolated doomsday cult that didn’t have electricity or any connection to the outside world, but it turned out the first thing he did after escaping from the cult was to accept a free flight in exchange for speaking at a WE event.
“Until the Liberals can find one of their own with no links to the WE Charity, they’ve created a hierarchy where those with the fewest links are considered ‘cleaner’ than those with the most. So if your grandnephew had a brief unpaid internship with the charity, you are considered pure enough to be allowed to give a short comment on the scandal and the ensuing ethics investigation, while if your sister was able to buy a house with the money she received from speaking gigs for WE, you are expected to hide on the nearest toilet whenever a member of the press approaches you,” Tempe said.
At press time, the Liberals were resorting to a quantum defense and touting the fact that somewhere in the eternally sprawling vastness of the multiverse there is an entire universe in which no Liberals have even heard of the WE Charity.