NEW YORK – After arresting Ghislaine Maxwell, accomplice of convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, the Justice Department has promised to put the FBI’s full resources behind expediting her inevitable and suspicious suicide while in custody.
“Ms. Maxwell’s numerous criminal charges are shocking, as are the many, many powerful men whom she could potentially implicate in exchange for sentencing leniency,” explained Attorney General Bill Barr, moments after wrestling the press conference microphone away from the SDNY FBI spokesperson.
“We here at Justice learned many valuable lessons from last year’s untimely jail cell suicide of Maxwell’s accomplice, Jeffrey Epstein,” Barr explained. “Lessons like: creating plausible deniability; turning off security cameras; and how to make two bullets to the back of the head look like a ‘hanging’.”
Barr went on to detail promising new advances that weren’t available to use on the imprisoned Epstein, namely fingerprint erasing technology and neurotoxins that are undetectable in prison food. “Heck, there’s even a deadly pandemic sweeping the country that is particularly prevalent in the prison system, so that’s just lucky,” added an optimistic Barr.
“We’re confident that we can beat our previous Epstein record of ‘34 days between arrest and untimely death that forces us to close the case for good’.”
Asked whether authorities were concerned about a repeat of 2019’s first unsuccessful Epstein hanging, Barr reaffirmed his department’s commitment. “We vow to process Ms. Maxwell through the prison system efficiently, well before she has time to testify to any grand juries.”
Barr then excused himself to make a phone call directly to the golf course where the president was currently playing 18 holes.
At press time, Prince Andrew, Duke of York was offering assistance to the FBI after frantically watching multiple YouTube tutorials on noose-tying.