WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States Department of Justice has withdrawn charges against Donald Trump’s former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn. DOJ prosecutors had previously determined that Flynn lied to the FBI during their 2017 investigation into his dealings with Russia because all of the evidence showed that he did that.
The move comes 29 months after Flynn confessed to the crime before a federal judge, 17 months after he confessed again to a different judge, and 3 months after he wrote an op-ed in the New York Times, “What Is It You People Don’t Understand about My Confession?”
Although a federal judge must approve the request, Flynn has the support of Attorney General William Barr, who is reportedly penning a book about the case entitled Everybody’s Innocent of Something.
“A great injustice has been undone today,” Barr told assembled press after announcing the dropped charges. “Michael Flynn did absolutely nothing illegal, despite what the former Attorney General, two judges, numerous federal prosecutors, the Special Counsel, the Inspector General, thousands of pages of evidence, Michael Flynn’s lawyers, and Michael Flynn want you to think.”
Barr’s reasoning for reversing course on criminal charges the DOJ has been pursuing for two years — that Flynn’s lies did not impact the investigation — falls under the My Cousin Vinny legal precedent, in which the defendant is saved by a plucky attorney who doesn’t understand how laws actually work, rather than A Few Good Men rules, in which the person that admits guilt to the judge is immediately arrested and held responsible for the crimes they just confessed to.
In related news, the DOJ has mounted a rebranding effort to distance itself from its reputation for absolute integrity, permanently changing its name to the “United States Department of Justice ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.”