WINDSOR – Bartender Steve Atkins posted a picture of swans swimming in the Venice canals on Facebook yesterday with the caption, “The animals of the world are returning. Humans are the real problem. #covid19 #wearethevirus,” despite having spent his entire life actively avoiding making lifestyle changes or political decisions that could help positively affect the environment.
“Air and water pollution levels have gone way down since COVID-19 broke out,” he insisted, casually peeling off his protective latex gloves and tossing them onto the sidewalk after a grocery run. “Humanity is a plague. We need to do better.”
He paused to light up his tenth cigarette of the day. “Maybe this virus is Mother Nature’s way of letting us know that she needs us out of the way in order to reset herself. Turns out sitting in our homes and play video games was the best form of environmentalism all along.”
Atkin’s partner Gillian Mayfield pointed out that despite Steve’s newfound insistence that he’s “awoken to humanity’s harmful effects on the planet,” in the past he not only never bothered to learn how to recycle or vote, but took great pains in making fun of those who did.
“This morning he showed me an obviously fake picture of drunk elephants in a garden, saying that the animals were free because we were all staying inside,” she explained. “But he still drives his SUV everywhere, and just last week he was complaining that his summer flight to Thailand got cancelled.”
“I’ve also been trying to get him to wear a reusable face mask, but he says they’re too confusing.”
When pressed about his views on how the virus was helping everything balance itself out, Atkins remained resolute.
“Look, I’m not saying that COVID-19 is the vaccine for our sins against the earth,” he protested. “I obviously don’t want anyone to die. I’m just saying that I saw a bird outside the other day. A bird. Would that have happened if the virus hadn’t killed a few thousand people? I don’t think so.”
At press time, Atkins had just kicked a pigeon for “looking at him with its creepy flying rat eyes.”