TORONTO – Having announced a two-week-long state of emergency roughly two weeks ago, Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced that the province-wide order would be extended after he learned how long it takes to grow out home-cut bangs.
“Folks, we are in the middle of an unprecedented public health emergency,” stated Ford in a videotaped statement that cropped out most of his forehead. “This is why every Ontarian who can needs to stay home for as long as it takes for any hasty, amateur barber mistakes to be resolved.”
Members of both the public health sector and the salon industry praised the move as a responsible way to mitigate the dual COVID-19 and styling crises.
“Many individuals may find it tempting at this time to make unorthodox decisions that will adversely affect their hair health,” explained the provincial government’s senior hair spokesperson Velvet Lang. “It’s important to remember that there will be a time after all this, and by then it probably won’t be hat season any more.”
Members of the Ford family have insisted that the premier is in good spirits and that his hair is expected to recover without the need for any drastic interventions. Sources close to the premier’s office, however, have reported that Ford has been asking some of his advisors what they think he’d look like as a redhead.