OTTAWA — In the wake of the COVID-19 outbreak, the Canada Revenue Agency has extended the national tax filing deadline to June 1st, explaining that “honestly the idea of money is just something people made up a long time ago and we’re not too worried about it.”
“Look, filing your taxes might make you happy for a day,” CRA head Mark Burblin told reporters. “But once you file them, you realize…what does any of this mean, you know?”
Burblin then let out a long, rattling sigh.
In a statement online, the CRA announced its formal position that money is really more of a totem we use to protect ourselves from the knowledge of our mortality than anything else. Taxpayers are advised to complete their returns, remembering to include all sources of income, and then to look up at the moon and think about how many people have looked up at it before them, and how many people will look up at it after they’re gone.
When asked how federal and provincial governments will serve and assist Canadians amidst wide-ranging impacts of COVID-19, Burblin pulled out a $5 bill, gestured to the image of the Queen, and said, “She used to be young. Now she is 93. Treasure every moment.”
“After all, what matters more – whether you subtracted the right deductions from your net income, or whether you took the time to really understand the beautiful, crazy mess that is human life?” Burblin told reporters.
“Money seriously doesn’t matter. You might think it’s going to keep you safe, but trust me, it won’t. If you have enough money to take care of your basic needs, the rest is just window dressing.”
Burblin ended his remarks by reminding everyone that Netfile will still be closing on June 1st with no exceptions.