NEW YORK – After being found guilty of rape and sexual assault in a landmark verdict today, disgraced film producer Harvey Weinstein immediately begin attempting to sexually coerce the courthouse into re-writing the ending pages of the trial’s script.
“This is ridiculous!” the convicted rapist bellowed, after his attempts to fire the jury were shot down by the judge, Justice James Burke. “This movie makes no sense! I demand that the scene where I am supposedly ‘brought to justice’ be cut immediately. It’s offensive to the very nature of film, and the American justice system, that this scene got approved in the first place.”
Weinstein’s proposed new ending gave the judge a monologue about how the mogul had been unfairly victimized by an unrealistic plot involving dozens of scheming women who should have been grateful that he wanted to sleep with them at all. It also included a scene where two female jury members had sex with each other after being replaced by hotter actresses.
Donna Rotunno, Weinstein’s lawyer and fierce opponent of the #MeToo movement, addressed reporters on the steps of the courthouse.
“Of course we’re going to fight to have the ending changed,” she said, casually attempting to stop Weinstein from exposing himself at the courthouse doors. “An extremely powerful, rich, white man is accused by over 80 women of sexual abuse, and actually gets convicted? In no way is that script believable. No one will buy tickets. We’re planning on severely limiting its release until Harvey goes free.”
Weinstein was immediately slapped with another charge after writing a post-credits scene wherein he told the courthouse that it would never work in this town again, “Unless it wanted to meet him for a private conversation in his jail cell.”
At press time, women around the world were already lining up to pre-order tickets to the inevitable biopic made of Weinstein’s life in prison.