LOS GATOS, CA -– Following a new policy designed to strictly limit account-sharing among multiple users, Netflix has discovered that it has always just been one subscriber.
The lone paying customer, Bill Netherly, began sharing his password early in 2010. “At the time, my girlfriend was on my account, and we had an amicable breakup, so I thought, ‘Sure, let it ride.’ Then I thought, ‘If she’s on it, probably my 15 cousins and various uncles should be too.’
Netherly admits that it was an accident when sent the password and login to his entire soccer team, but “we all enjoyed the after-practice chats about Lillyhammer so much, I doubled down and sent a company-wide email to my whole workplace.”
“You should have seen the quality increase on water cooler talk,” added Netherly.
Over the course of the next nine years, Netherly gave out his password to approximately 60.6 million friends and acquaintances. “To save time, I actually got it tattooed on my forearm,” added Netherly. “I can just flash it at panhandlers instead of giving them change.”
Netflix executive Carissa Westman was shocked to discover their subscription base is one person. “We’ve been spending billions each year developing literally any show idea, poaching talent from the networks, and brutally disrupting the industry,” said Welsley. “I guess from here on out, we’ll just forget about metrics and just ask Bill what he wants to watch.”
When confronted about the legality of his copious password sharing, Netherly was quick to defend himself. “Hey, don’t get mad at me, I’m the one honest guy actually paying for an account,” he said, while handing out flyers with his username and password for CraveTV to random passersby. “I even subscribed to Amazon Prime, but nobody wanted that password.”
At press time, Disney+ reported 10 million new users during their launch day, all named Hailey Watson.