TORONTO – Millions of children across the globe woke up early to open their annual Christmas performance reports from Corporate Santa.
Anxious youngsters, both naughty and nice, were judged according to their past 12 months on their behaviour, enthusiasm, and productivity.
Corporate Santa reportedly knows when kids are sleeping, knows when kids are awake, and when they’re taking a three hour lunch break.
“This is bullshit,” said a disappointed seven-year-old tossing her evaluation to the floor. “I do the work of three kids and get no real recognition or raise. All I got was a vague ‘you’re doing great work and keep it up.’ How the hell can I pay the mortgage on my Barbie Dream House without my bonus?”
Underperforming children who did not meet their goodness quotas were required to have a meeting with the HR elf before being terminated from Christmas.