WASHINGTON D.C. – Recent polling data has astounded political experts with results suggesting that support for the impeachment of President Donald Trump has reached 99% among those who live and work at the White House.
“From everything I’ve seen and heard in the impeachment procedures, I think it’s time for him to go already,” said a heavily accented, 49-year-old former model who wished to remain nameless, “I have always had my doubts and suspicions about the President’s and his mental competence and fitness, but only now am I finally the one to say – his time, it is up.”
Polling indicates that opinions of the current President have always been somewhat shaky among those who live and work in the Greater White House area. Since 2016, Trump has consistently garnered a 100% disapproval rating from those in the big-guys-standing-outside-important-doors-armed-with-guns-and-wearing-suits-and-imposing-sunglasses demographic. Indeed, with the exception of one very prominent and obnoxious resident, the remainder of those who walk through the doors of the First Residence typically hold a marked disapproval of the Commander in Chief.
“I don’t like him and I’ve never liked him. And you can quote me on that” reported one 13-year old resident before slamming the door to his bedroom and blasting heavy metal music. Trump also polled negatively among the following demos: chefs, butlers, secretaries, and chiefs of staff.
“I think he’s become too left wing,” explained policy advisor Stephen Miller, before returning to his mid-day crypt.
On the other hand, the 1% of respondents who still back this embattled president were effusive in their praise, choosing to tweet their approval in all caps or call in to Fox and Friends to shout their support. “I want nothing! I want nothing! No quid pro quo,” yelled one such supporter who demanded to remain nameless.
Another respondent was tempted to mark down his support of President Trump, following the news that the president had ordered the RNC to mass-order copies of the respondent’s book and get to number 1 on the New York Times Best Sellers List. Despite this, the respondent clarified that they remained “likely to support impeachment”.
While past presidents historically held quite high ratings among those people whose bedrooms and workplaces were mere metres from the President’s, Trump has typically struggled to win over people he makes eye contact with on a daily basis. In response, the POTUS has launched several outreach projects such as “Learn their names”, “Let Them Speak for More than 30 Seconds Without Interrupting Them with a Story Involving Me,” and “Human Affection”. All have failed miserably.
“Look, you can’t win over all people, all the time. This is just another plot by the Deep State and the Fake News Media to sabotage the Greatest Presidency this country has ever seen,” screamed the President into his open fridge in an otherwise lonely and darkened kitchen at 3 a.m., “I plan to root out all these traitors and leakers from my house and bedrooms right away!”