TORONTO – A conclusive study by the University of Toronto has found that trying to exit the subway via doors that are not on the same side as the platform is just about the most humiliating thing that can happen to someone who lives in this city.
“Look, there’s a lot of things that are embarrassing to someone from Toronto. Being seen eating at Pizza Pizza for example,” said lead researcher Dr. Richard Neumeier. “But all that pales in comparison to the moment you hear the opening door chime, realize the doors you’re facing aren’t opening, and then having to turn around and bolt out while hoping no one saw, even though you know everyone did.”
“What are you, from fucking Mississauga or something?,” he added.
Conversely witnessing a ‘wrong door’ moment is one of the best moments of any Torontonian’s day, according to the study.
With the new Line 1 subway cars having an automated voice telling people which side of the train to exit from, the opportunities to line up at the wrong door are rare. But that hasn’t stopped some full blown idiots from trying to get off at the exterior doors at Yonge, or the interior doors at Spadina.
“Oh man, I saw this one guy in a business suit carrying a briefcase and checking his Rolex in a way that was clearly designed to make everyone notice it. Then he lined up to get off at the wrong doors. I mean he might as well have just shit his pants right then and there,” said Abeo Eze, 23.
The second and third most embarrassing things a Torontonian can do, according to the study, are ‘not known where the best Jamaican beef patties are’ and ‘getting their bike tire stuck in the streetcar tracks’ respectively.