OTTAWA – After failing to win government, many in the Conservative party are wondering whether they should replace Andrew Scheer with a leader that will really shore up support in Alberta.
“The path to conservative victory is by having a leader that finally appeals to the 11.6% of Canadians who live in Alberta,” said National Post columnist Rex Murphy, “excluding of course the kombucha-drinking sex deviants of downtown Edmonton.”
Analysts believe for a leader to really win Alberta they should: spit every time they mention the carbon tax; eat steak at least three times a day; somehow not look like a total dork in a cowboy hat; run a Heartland fansite; and somehow keep a straight face when Alberta starts talking about separating from the rest of Canada.
“I definitely wouldn’t rule out running for the leadership,” stated Alberta premier Jason Kenney. “I appeal to two important demographics, namely ‘people who live in Alberta’ and ‘people who wish their province was more like Alberta’.”
In an effort to appeal to the bovine province, and keep his leadership, Andrew Scheer has traded in his mini van for a tractor and has gone from lying about being an insurance broker to falsely claiming that he was a roughneck on an oil rig.
The conservatives aren’t the only opposition party looking for a new head. After Elizabeth May’s retirement The Greens are hoping to find a new leader that will finally prioritize climate change.