Doug Ford knocks on cellar door to see if it's okay to come out - The Beaverton

Doug Ford knocks on cellar door to see if it’s okay to come out

KENORA, ON – Rapping on a rickety plywood door from his subterranean hiding, Ontario Premier sheepishly asked his Conservative Party handlers if it was okay to come out now that the federal election was over.

Ford has called the 8’ by 16’ storm shelter home for the past two months after he was locked inside by fellow Conservatives believing he was playing a hide-and-seek game with Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer and Alberta Premier Jason Kenney.

“Hello? Anybody?” said a muffled voice coming from the abandoned property. “Andrew? Jason? It’s October 22nd and you said that it was okay to see my friends again.”

The Premier has survived by sustaining himself on the little meat found in Deco labels while the Ontario PCs hired a body double to speak at events and pose in photo opportunities during the Ontario Legislature’s prolonged recess.

“Okay guys, this isn’t funny anymore,” said the PC pariah who has not yet been reported as missing by family or friends. “Come on, it’s cold down here, and I have to cut subsidized heating to poor people before winter sets in.”

Ford desperately shook the locked doors hoping someone would hear him, but the only response was a lone wolf’s cry was heard in the distance.