WASHINGTON, DC – Following reports that US President Donald Trump has made numerous inquiries into buying Greenland, several White House staffers have revealed Trump’s initially keen interest was predicated on his belief that Greenland was a theme park centered around the American dollar.
“When he first started talking about buying Greenland, he made some comments about it that didn’t make much sense,” said one staffer who has asked to remain anonymous. “But he often says things that don’t make much sense, so we didn’t really question why he seemed to think Greenland’s primary form of transit was bumper cars.”
It took months for staffers to understand that Trump believed Greenland was a Disneyland-type amusement park centered around US paper currency, which is green and is sometimes referred to as a greenback. The president’s disappointment when he discovered that wasn’t the case was significant.
“The president was really looking forward to playing all the money-themed fairway games, which would’ve combined his two favorite things: wealth and scams,” another staffer who also wanted to remain anonymous said. “He didn’t care as much about the rides, since most amusement park rides are reached by at least a couple of steps and he’s afraid of stairs.”
“When we finally realized that he thought Greenland was an amusement park and had to break it to him that it’s actually a large island without a single roller coaster, he was so heartbroken he didn’t tweet anything racist for almost four hours,” said a third staffer who refused to use his real name. “It was so unlike him, we were all really worried.”
At press time, Trump had discovered there’s a resort in Japan called Greenland that contains its own amusement park and immediately announced the United States would be annexing Japan.